Grief is weird. It's complicated and confusing. Have you ever been going about a normal day and then bam, grief hits you like a ton of bricks? Have you been happy and then felt guilty about being happy because that seems like you've “moved on”? Have you ever felt at peace with your grief after and then felt terrible again that you miss your Mom in a new and completely unfamiliar set of ways?

I have. That's grief my friends. These are the paradoxes of grief, which change and morph as we age and enter new life stages. I remember feeling like I was on Cloud 9 when our first daughter was born, it was as if this huge hole in my heart was suddenly much smaller. I loved her in a way I had never imagined being able to love anyone. And then I was overwhelmed with a sadness and anxiety I couldn't name.  Years later, after talking to my therapist and reading more about how complicated grief is, I realized that I was missing my Mom so much on the day my daughter was born. The day her first grandchild was born. The day I became a Mom myself. Of course I would be filled with sadness, anxiety and dread. Now I have a child and if I die, she'll be without me, just as I was without my Mom. 

Grief is so much more complicated than our culture describes - we’re required to simplify or conceal our grief all the time, mostly to make others more comfortable but also to protect ourselves. I do it all the time, just to get through a day at work or figure out how to navigate the minefield that is parenting a teenage daughter (!).  But I know that when I sit with my grief, when I dig into it a little bit more and get more curious about how I'm feeling, I come to understand that these paradoxes are common and to be expected. And this makes me feel better.  I hope it makes you feel a bit better too.