Sometimes the most difficult thing about grief is that exposes truths about our mothers, our families and ourselves that we didn’t know or weren’t ready to accept. When our mothers die, families often fall apart. But that’s simply the most obvious collapse. Sometimes families are broken before a mother dies and grief is the ignition on a fire that was already burning? Families can withstand a great deal of pressure when the person at that family’s core is still there. But when that person isn’t there any longer to keep it all together? That’s when the real test begins.

There are many deaths that can happen after a mother dies - the death of what might have been including our dreams of continued to be parented, our having our mothers as grandmothers. But it is also the death of our families, of the support system we thought we had. That can be one of the hardest losses to deal with.

This is why grief is layered and can catch us by surprise. The dimensions of grief are often unknown, the edges unpredictable. This is why it’s so important to be gentle with yourself and try to recognize when you’re feeling sad, angry, frustrated or anxious. When you’re grieving.