The firsts without our moms are so hard
The first year is the hardest in so many ways. The first birthday your Mom isn’t there, both yours and hers. The first anniversary of her death. The first Christmas, Passover, Eid. Whatever holiday was meaningful in your family, that is the hardest to find any joy in the first year she is not with you. Mothers don’t just show up and celebrate. They are the celebration. They make the holidays what they are. They are the ones, so often, who do the preparation, the organizing, who set the standard for joy. Sometimes there is little joy if our mothers are not able to be present for whatever reason. But if the possibility that they will ever be there again is suddenly gone, the hole left in those days is so deep.
The first year is the hardest because it is new to be without her permanently. The first year, if you think back on it, is almost surreal. As if somehow you’re waiting for her to arrive and yet you know she isn’t coming. The anticipation of that day, whatever the day is, is almost too much to stand. The anxiety of how you will feel and react, how your family will feel and react, how much you’ll cry, how little you’ll sleep. But when the day comes, as it will, you will feel just as you need to feel. Sometimes we feel nothing on purpose, as a protection mechanism. Sometimes we will feel all the sadness we have felt for that year or years Mom has been gone. Sometimes it will be a mix of both, maybe in the same hour. Whatever it looks like for you, it’s normal. It’s ok. It’s to be expected.
The thing about the first year is that the emotions are so raw, so present, so readily available. This often fades but the grief that each passing year brings will remain, in a new form. Many cultures and religions have traditions to mark passages of time. One year of a missing your Mom may be one that you wish to create if it doesn’t already exist for you. Some people bring flowers to graves. Some people throw parties in the hopes of finding joy in remembrance. Some people light candles and pray or meditate. Others grieve in private. Think about how you would like to mark the day. What would you most like to do? How will you honour yourself and your Mom? How will you mark 365 days of missing her? What might she have said about being gone from you a whole year? What connection in her absence do you long for: friends, family, alone time, time with your own children, a day spent in reflection? Whatever it is, plan for it. Communicate those plans. Expect support. Know that this is a day for you to mourn in whatever way feels right for you.
