New year, new grief?
Time is supposed to heal all wounds, right? Or we’re supposed to go through the “stages” of grief (how many are there, 5? 7?) and then we’re to be able to move on? From my experience of the last 27 years, I can tell you that I’m still processing my loss. Every year I get older, my children get closer to the age I was when my mom died, I’m triggered. And triggered. And triggered some more. I’ve been in therapy on and off since I was 18. I’ve been in intense therapy for the last six years. And even with the support of one of the best therapists in Ottawa, I’m still processing the various layers of my childhood that were traumatic and parts of my mom’s death and the fall out that followed.
As I age, and get closer to the age my mom was when she died at 49, each new year, each birthday, each anniversary, is not only a reminder of my grief, but also that each new year doesn’t mean a “new me”. What does that it even mean? The idea that on January 1st, we’re all going to turn over some sort of new leaf and become different versions of ourselves is truly magical thinking. It’s clear that in North America at least, over the next week, we’re going to be bombarded with messages about how we need to improve ourselves.
There are so many problems with this, starting with these messages are aimed almost exclusively at women. The second problem is that those of us with grief, trauma, mental or physical health issues and family estrangement, among other common issues, just makes us all feel worse about ourselves. Here is my plan for the new year:
reducing the amount of time I spend on social media;
understanding that my journey is mine and that I don’t need a random date like January 1st to “kick start” anything new;
working on making healthy habits more common;
working on making less healthy habits less common;
be more present with try to reduce the number of distractions, especially when I’m spending time with my family;
be present when I exercise so I can really enjoy myself and not do it as a reason to lose weight; and,
really slowing down in 2023, no hustle culture bullshit!
I am really excited about 2023, not because it’s going to be “easier” or “better” but because I’m getting clearer and clearer on what I want for my life and what choices I need to make to get there.
I hope that can avoid the “new year, new me” messages in 2023. But if you can’t avoid them, just remember that there’s nothing wrong with the current you at all.
