Alyssa’s Story

My mom suddenly passed away when I was 22 years old.

Some people say that we had normal “mother/daughter conflict” throughout my entire life, but it went far deeper than what most people knew. She struggled with mental illness and then Addison’s Disease during the last years of her life. I don’t have many positive memories with my mom, honestly, but regardless, she was my mom and I loved her with my entire being despite all the hardship.

I was starting to learn and accept that my mom did the best that she could, and I was making an effort to build a more meaningful relationship with her shortly before she passed away.

She was belligerently drunk the last time that I saw her in person. At one point she asked me what changed for me, how I became the woman that I am, and why I give so much credit to my faith to my sobriety. I was so angry about her drunkenness in that moment that I wasn’t able to give her an answer.

My mom passed away the same day that I had gotten sober from a drug addiction 4 years earlier. The day before that, while she was on life support, I answered every single question that she asked me 7 months earlier.

In that moment, I felt nauseatingly guilty for my choice to distance myself from her for years due to her addiction. I felt robbed of what could’ve been if she had lived long enough for our relationship to heal. I felt responsible for her feeling alone in her addiction and illness.

She was emotionally absent for the majority of my life, but I made sure that I was fully present every second until in the last moment of her life. My presence wasn’t for me, but for her, in hopes that she would know that I forgave her for every moment that chose to not be apart of.

I’ve grown, flourished, and thrived since her passing. I wish every day that she could see the woman that I have become since then, and I believe that one day she will.