Amber’s Story

Dear Mom,

This is a question I often ask myself after 2,960 days of grieving for you, so far… “What was your last thought as your beaming soul left this life?” Your soul; the soul of the woman who brought me into this world, the one soul I could never envision living without. How could I? Even now I just have to close my eyes to see rays of light illuminate your sepia-toned skin, glistening like diamonds with colors of yellow, orange and gold just beneath. Your bright, ivory smile always shining like the sun.

You, my one and only Mom, “Yvonne,” so full of joy, love, and life. Imagine what a shock it was when I received a knock on the door by police, that fateful day. The day when two officers quietly asked my name and suggested I take a seat on the couch before they proceeded to explain that you, my sweet mom, had been the victim of a brutal, senseless murder. What?!!! My whole being instantly closed down in utter disbelief, but later that night my mind thundered, my body jolted with lightning, and the storm in my own soul rained out, swelling my eyes shut with tears.

Time, after hearing this horrible news, became insignificant. Seconds, minutes, hours, days–all passed in a blur while I functioned, barely, on auto-pilot, for the sake of my children. Numbly I went through the motions of hurrying them off to school as I tried to pick up the pieces of my shattered reality.

A reality without you, Mom, as impossible as that was for me to comprehend. Living a life without your presence felt like a metaphor; like the idea of spending a warm, sun-filled day at the beach as a child, where you built a spectacular sand castle you thought would last forever, only to see it suddenly washed away by a cruel, unfeeling massive wave, leaving a blank space. The feeling of loss when I realized I’d never be able to rebuild that precious structure, created from the sands of countless times I’d spent with you, was—and sometimes still is—overwhelming. Missing you all the time in the here and now, each and every day since your passing, has been the most challenging part of this loss for me.

We’ve missed out on so many things I envisioned us sharing, like you becoming a huge part of my children's lives, watching me get married to the love of my life, and welcoming your youngest grandchild from this marriage into the world. Mom, your loving, caring spirit is always with me, and that’s why you and my late grandmothers inspired me to write and publish a children’s book in honor of your memories.

So, I hope you’ll be proud to know how much all of you may now help to comfort every child or adult who’s ever loved—and grieved about—a missing mother or grandmother, when they read, “If Grandma Were Here… A Book of Memories.” I know, as I wrote it, the holes in my own heart started slowly healing with happiness and love, because that is the essence of you. I hope “If Grandma Were Here” helps keep the loving spirits of all mothers, grandmothers and great-grandmothers alive—and smiling—forever!

Yours, always, with eternal love,

Amber