On April 20, 2021 I found out that my beloved, cherished, beautiful Mom had passed away unexpectedly in her sleep the night before. She was 62 years old.

Losing my Mom has left a space in my heart where the grief over her passing will always live. Prior to losing my Mom, I thought of grief as something that one needed to ''overcome'' and ''get past''. Going through it myself, I quickly learned I would never ''get over'' losing my Mom. I don't need to either. What's important is that I acknowledge my grief, give it space to exist in my life, and learn how to live my life with it there. Grief is an ever-changing landscape that is often very predictable...and unpredictable all at once.

My Mom was and still is my best friend. We had such a special connection that only exists between mother and daughter. When thinking about who to choose as my Maid of Honor for my wedding in 2018, the answer came to me so clearly. My Mom. There was no one else who could fill that spot. Our wedding took place in my husband's home country of Colombia. My husband and I had dreamed of showing my Mom around all of our favorite places. My mom arrived in Colombia a few days before the rest of my family. Getting to spend that time just with her and my husband and showing her proudly around the places where my relationship with my husband had started and evolved was priceless. I am eternally grateful we had that time with her.

I lost my Mom while in the midst of the other most difficult thing in my life - infertility. When my Mom passed, my husband and I had been going through it for 1.5 years. The loss of my Mom added a whole new layer to infertility. Grieving all of the moments I'll never have with her. Yearning to talk to her when I'm triggered by yet another pregnancy announcement. My heart breaks when I think that I'll never be able to see her reaction when I can at last say, ''Mommy, I'm finally pregnant!''. It breaks yet again when I think of the child we so long for who will never meet their Nonni.

I was left feeling empty after the loss of my Mom because the daily contact I had with her had suddenly been cut off. I knew I needed to find a way to feel like I was still communicating with her. One day I opened up a partially used notebook I'd taken from her apartment and started writing to her. I've filled several notebooks in the 17 months since her passing. Writing to her has been so therapeutic for me. It will never replace actually talking with her in person, but I do feel like I am still keeping her updated on what is going on in my life and in my mind. That has helped me immensely.

I think of my Mom every single day. I often see people out in public who look like her and for a split second, I feel like it's actually her. I feel her in the purple and pink sunrises. I hear her in our favorite Taylor Swift songs. I smell her in a cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee. I miss her every single day. She's visited me in my dreams numerous times since she left us. I'm happy to say that she always looks peaceful, joyful, and healthy when she visits me in my dreams. All I wish and pray for is that she is happy in Heaven.

''I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my Mommy you'll be''

I'd like to share my infertility page on Instagram if there is anyone who needs support through that and/or losing their Mom. @katie.daniel.babystory is where I share all of that. Thank you for reading my story.