Donelle’s Story
The piece I’m working on is called the grief chronicles - something we can all say, we share and have experienced by now. No matter who they were that we grieve, trying to pick up the pieces and move forward. Time stops literally when the person you love dies.
I’ve decided my grief will be a way of doing what I do best. No not crying, helping others. From crying and not aware of the date and time to creating and maintaining a space we’re others who grieve can listen, be heard and express without feeling guilty.
If you are anything like me, everything goes back to that day, that minute mom took her blast breath. To watch the light go out in her eyes was truly mind blowing. I commend persons who could watch daily and go to anything other than after shock.
March 22, 2021 at approximately 4:00pm was the day that my clock stopped. I’ve always had difficulty remembering details. The loss of my mother made reality different for me. I want to express my feelings, so I am able to help others by continuing a legacy I signed up for before I realized what I was it was. I’m told I’m damn good at it.
My problem lies on how to not enable others, set and maintain boundaries and above all see my worth in all of this. People tell me how helpful they feel I am to others, but, it wouldn’t mean a damn thing if I don’t see it and use it.
If you can help me, I’d ask for help. How do you get through the first couple of years of grieving your mother? A motherless child is a title I couldn’t seem to grasp. I’ve put myself through lots of bad behavior that would land anyone in the hot seat.
Thank God for strength, faith and forgiveness. I can move forward. I will move forward and share my feelings guiltlessly. I want to share my strengths with everyone who needs it.
I remember years ago, I saw a young lady at her mother’s funeral, speaking, standing and I couldn’t tell what was going on. Why does she not appear sad, why isn’t she crying? It wasn’t until I had to walk in those shoes that I understood the assignment. Man oh man, what a gift our mother’s give. Who can keep a strong mind when everything around you is falling apart?
Who did you lose? Your husband? Daughter? Brother? Father? Best friend? How did you feel when the gruesome message was told to you? Where were you? What did you do? What stage of grieving are you in currently? Are you still angry? Are you still happy?
Acceptance is the stage I want to be in. Not quite sure if I’ve arrived as of yet. If I accept the fact that my mother is deceased, what exactly does that mean? I’m thankful that I am no longer in the stage where I felt guilty after a year saying, “my mom died a year ago.”
Guilty because that small amount of time that stood still for me, that seemed like yesterday maybe a long time for some. When I disclose my pain, is it even validated by my lover? I can’t imagine being back in that stage and if you’ve ever been or are currently in that stage it sucks to be you! But, I can tell you it’s part of the process. The process is so necessary and if your too sad to understand and feel the stages, slow down. Reflect. Write. Record. Thank me later!
For me all the most precious gifts in the world will never amount to the gift of love my beloved mother and I shared. She shared this love with all her children, and extended family and friends. The Gems she dropped were official. Eventually you would take heed. Eventually. The sooner the better.
Help me help you. Pour your fucking heart out to someone who cares. While grieving and mourning, (two different things) you may feel like no one cares. And I mean no one. You may feel like people don’t know how and what to say. Actions speak louder. If you are a person who empathizes with a person, show up. Don’t ever leave them alone for long.
Time eventually starts ticking again. Your numbness will thaw. Never the same and thank God for that!
Help yourself by allowing your authentic self go through the process. Trust the process no matter how long or short.
Some of us are mourning our marriage, failed friendships/relationships.. which one do you think is longer? Mourning or grieving?
Mourning = Persistent, traumatic grief can cause us to cycle (sometimes quickly) through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. These stages are our attempts to process change and protect ourselves while we adapt to a new reality. Grief is explained by common and normal psychological response following a death or loss. The definition or meaning of grief includes psychological and physiological symptoms in response to bereavement, that can change over time.
Grief includes an acute phase, which happens shortly after a loss is experienced. Symptoms of acute grief can include:
Sadness
Longing to be with the person who was lost
Thoughts and memories of the person
Anxiety
Anger
See the difference? Sometimes I do. Other times .
Grieving remedies! I can tell you what has not worked for me. I look forward to what works. What has not worked for me is, drumroll… excessive drinking, staying busy, unhealthy relationships, self pity, enabling. You name it. I’m glad I’ve decided to stand up for myself and do better because I definitely know better. Let it out! I really hope this blog saves you or someone you know who is struggling with the traumatic loss of their loved one. I’m not sure if remedies work though, for grieving. What if you feel guilty like survivors remorse? Or you are survivor of abuse? How or what type of strategies would you consider then? I guess it’s all according to the individual.
I agree that a social media is a tool that is now my go to. We all gravitate towards like minded stories and people. If you are struggling with something, you seek answers from others who have had similar experiences. Right? Over the past decade the net has provided a platform where everyone can share anonymously or without hiding their identity about whatever. And all of it is accessible. Hell, I’ve stopped going to therapy because I find it therapeutic to bitch and moan to support groups. For free!
For me, this is ongoing, some people have expressed to me that it (grieving) last forever and I truly believe that shit! I’ve seen it and heard it with my own ears and eyes.
Mom’s last words included her calling for her mother. I knew what time it was then. When we lost Nana and she has never been the same. I noticed each Christmas, mom would drink more than usual, was quiet more than usual and sad. The sadness will make you sick to your stomach.
Mom had plenty children, grands, Godkids, friends and acquaintances. I can imagine grieving with human responsibilities if that makes sense. I don’t have that! Nothing and no one to make me be strong for in the moment. No wine watching when you are childless. This is more of the reason to keep my shit together and focus on my health. I’ve never had high blood pressure until now!
Mindfulness.
