Donna Amber’s Story

Fifty five years ago this February, I witnessed my mother die in a car at a gas station after she over dosed in the bathroom when I was 4 years old. My mother was 21 when she left her body and my life forever changed. Shortly after, my dad was out of my life as well.

My mother had me when she was 16 years old and I was born addicted to heroin. The thing is my mother was a beautiful vivacious artist who met my father and was introduced to the drug that would inevitably take her life. From what I was told, she was a beautiful young lady that was sassy, bold and an artist. The death of my mother rocked my family off its axel and they were never the same. My grandparents were my caretakers and from I remember they did their best to love and protect me. 

Two years after my mother’s death, my grandmother lost another child to heroin (Uncle Buster who was 28) it became too much for her and she started abusing me and I was taken from her home to live with family members that I didn’t know at 8 years old. At this home, I felt unwanted, unseen and was sexually abused. There was a lot of trauma and feeling unsafe in my early years which has led me to a life of coping and surviving. 

The abandonment wound was so deep that I became a people pleaser and abandoned myself daily so others wouldn’t leave me. I did not trust women, men or life and closed my heart and was locked up in my trauma body for fifty some years. My heart was closed, my jaw was locked and I attracted people to activate the triggers within me. At that time, I had no idea that they were just reflecting what was inside of me. All I knew was to blame and resent others for not supporting and loving me the way I needed. I was caught in a vicious cycle and didn’t have awareness that I was projecting onto others and stuck in victim consciousness.

I believe when you don’t have parents in your life, you grow up trying to find the love you didn’t get outside of you which is exhausting, depleting and disappointing. I know because I have spent my lifetime trying to seek approval, love and validation from others. I grew up suppressing my grief and rage because there was no one to help or support me through all the tragedy, trauma and chaos in my early years. I carried and (still do) shame that there must be something wrong with me and I must be broken because I didn’t have parents or the family I needed to help me feel loved, seen and supported.

I have spent a lifetime seeking outside of myself and not being able to access the early trauma and wounding until I reached 55 and tried plant medicine. It literally cracked me open and showed me all that I went through as a young girl and once I felt what my little girl went through, I couldn’t look away anymore and went on a mission to heal my inner child. It’s been a journey for the last five years and I believe its an ongoing process.  

The thing is, I love who I am and who I am becoming and have the awareness that if my mother would have lived, I would not be who I am today. I would not be a healer who supports others with their trauma, suffering and wounding through the power of breathwork journeys, support and a deep understanding of how they feel. I am now at a place in my life where I am transforming pain into purpose with the hopes of turning my mess into a message so others who struggle and suffer feel less alone and know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

I believe I am here to inspire others and to share my message is if can come heal from trauma, abuse, depression and anxiety, so can you!

With so much love,

Donna Amber