Kenisha’s Story
My first experience with grief and loss came at the age of 12. My father passed away suddenly from a brain aneurysm. I was a daddy's girl. Because his death came unexpectedly, I wasn't able to properly grieve, which resulted in acting out. Thankfully, my family put me in therapy, which included art therapy, where I was able to process my thoughts and feelings in a healthy way.
Fast forward to 2004, this was when my mother was first diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer. I was a freshman in college, living about an hour away from home. As the only child, I was her caregiver. I was adamant about being at her appointments and making sure she was in good care. This, of course, took a toll on me mentally, physically, and academically. When her condition began to worsen, and I could sense my time with her was nearing an end, I honored my mother on what was her last Mother's Day with a Pink Party. Friends and family gathered to celebrate her life and to give her her flowers while she could smell them. On the night of July 12th, I knew death was approaching. I chose to stay in the hospital with her. I told her I loved her, that I was going to be okay, and I gave her permission to be with my father. After a 3 and 1/2 year battle with breast cancer, my mother passed away on July 13th, 2007. I was 21 years old and declared an orphan. Exactly one month from her passing, I had to adjust to my "new normal." Studying to be an athletic trainer, a student athletic training for the women's basketball team, a new sorority member, and working a part-time job was A LOT! Reflecting back, I know that I re-entered life way too soon. Not to mention, my support system was an hour away back home. Things became so overwhelming that I felt life was no longer worth living, and I decided to take my life. Thankfully, I was unsuccessful! After this, I was institutionalized. During my four days there, I witnessed other people who were battling some horrific life issues. It was at this moment I gained a valuable life perspective. I recognized that even though things were excruciating in my life, somebody had it worse. This mindset shift allowed me to return to my foundation, which was Christ, to help pull me out of the dark pit I was living in. It was also at the institution I was reintroduced to art therapy. This incredible tool allowed me to once again process the hurt and pain I was feeling inside in a wholesome way.
Life hasn't been easy. It hasn't been all roses and sunshine. Undergrad and Grad graduation, getting married, having a child, career advancement, are all life milestones that my parents weren't present for. But not having my mother is even more difficult. Now that I have a daughter, I have many questions that I can't get answers to. I often said that I didn't want to have a girl because I knew she would be a duplicate of me, and I wouldn't know what to do with me lol. Of course now this feisty and sassy seven-year is my angel, but it doesn't negate the fact that I wish my mother was here.
There are moments when I feel that my mother is present. Whenever I randomly hear her favorite song (E.U. - "Da Butt"), I have myself a good'ol dance party knowing she's right there with me. I took the hanging cross that she had in her car and put it in mine, knowing she's protecting me while driving. And I know she's been protecting me because my daughter and I were in a major accident that totaled the car, and we walked away. My mother's kind spirit, love for people, and dedication to Christ are characteristics I strive daily to embody.
Since the pandemic we're in, I have felt more compelled to be a light and a testimony to those experiencing grief that life after loss is possible. It indeed takes time and self-work, but the sun will shine again. During this pandemic, I became an author: Mending Broken Pieces: Coloring Affirmations And Journaling For Healing Through Grief And Loss. There are many outlets we can choose to process the pain we feel from grief. I wanted to create a healthy way to start that process. Art therapy was such a help for me, and I know it will help others.
I will conclude with my mother's favorite scripture: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6.
In Loving Memory of Anita Nichelle
