Chantal’s Story

It took many attempts to write and rewrite my story of becoming a motherless daughter as it was quite difficult and brought back many memories and feelings that I had pushed away. I have been a motherless daughter for 17 years, since I was 18 years old, but before that, I was also a fatherless daughter. I had to figure out how losing both parents would affect my life. 

 My story started a few days before my mother, Sue, actually passed away at the age of 44 years old. She was experiencing chest and arm pain (which are clear indicators of a heart attack), so she went to the hospital as her own mother had passed away from a stroke and she knew the signs. The hospital said it was “stress related” and would refer her for a stress test that would take place in a few weeks. 

 On June 5, 2003, I came home from school excited as my friends and I would be going to the fair, but my mom wasn’t feeling too good. She was sitting at the table in our kitchen when my friend and I came home to talk about the day’s events, my upcoming high school graduation and the evening plans. My mother said she was just going to rest before my youngest sister came home so they could go to the fair later on and asked me to check on her when she arrived home. My friend and I went into my room to study for an upcoming exam when my friend suggested checking on my mom. My friend was a lifeguard, and something just wasn’t sitting right with her. So I went to check. It was the most horrible thing ever– my mother was lying white as a ghost with her hand on her chest. I yelled out for my friend who immediately performed CPR as I called 9-1-1. My middle sister ran into the room and saw our mother and started crying, so I pushed her out to protect her and she ran to our neighbours for help. The paramedics and police showed up to assist my mother. She was being transferred to the hospital and I went with the police officer to be with her, as my sisters stayed behind with our neighbours and called my stepfather to let him know what was happening. At the hospital, I saw my mother being worked on in the emergency room surrounded by numerous doctors, nurses and machines, trying to keep her alive. At some point in the night, she was transferred to the heart institute at the Civic Hospital where we stayed with her for four long days and nights. Multiple friends and family came to see how we were doing and offered their support. However, it felt surreal that this was happening... I was just talking to her at our kitchen table about my day at school and my evening plans. I had already lost my father to cancer at age 3, I couldn’t lose my mother at 18, it just wasn’t fair. My stepfather and I were called into a meeting with the doctor to discuss her progress at some point during those four days. It was the “talk” about letting her go, as there was no brain function. We decided as a family to let her go whenever she was ready; on June 9, around 8:20 p.m., my boyfriend (husband now) and I were in her room when I gave her a kiss and whispered “I will be okay” and we noticed her vitals changing so he went and got my family. My mother passed away leaving behind three girls to figure out their paths in the world without her support, love or guidance. 

The first few days after my mother’s passing were a blur: from helping plan her wake and funeral to cancelling my final exams at school. I didn’t go back to school to take my exams and/or see my friends before graduation as it was just too hard. I did attend the ceremony, where I felt overjoyed with the amount of love and support I received from my school community.  I was now known as the “girl without parents”– not that anyone said that, but it was how I felt.  Family and friends came to her wake and funeral, passing along their unconditional love and support but it was a blur– I couldn’t believe this was my life. A motherless and fatherless daughter at 18 years old, this was unfair. I had to figure out my path by myself which included some major decisions within the first few weeks of her passing. I had to figure out which university to attend in the fall and what program to pursue. As I tried to figure this out, my family life was falling apart as we couldn’t figure out how to grieve individually and as a unit. My first year of university was super difficult as I couldn’t keep up with the course load and my own grief and I was slowly becoming overwhelmed and depressed. I was having trouble sleeping and then having flashbacks during classes of seeing my mother lying on her bed and then going home seeing where I found her. 

During the months following her death, a series of events took place and changed my path forever. My family and I parted ways because the situation was just too toxic and I couldn’t handle it any longer. Not only was I grieving my mom, I was now grieving the loss of a family unit. I am very lucky though that I had lots of support from my friends, boyfriend and his family; they were my life saver with their support, love, kindness and guidance. I went to therapy (group and individual) which helped me figure out how to grieve normally. My youngest sister and I continued our relationship but it has holes in it as we have to figure out how to be part of each other’s lives as adults since we missed so many years together due to events. 

 As a mother to a beautiful son, I try to remember how I was taught from my own mother, what lessons to pass along, what places to visit, and laughing with him always (like she did; some of it was at me and some of it was just in general). I recently brought my son to visit her grave and introduced him to her. He knelt down and gave a kiss to her stone. I tried to explain to him that it was “mommy’s mommy” and he seemed to get it. I will bring him back from time to time and show him, so he knows that I had a mother and he had a grandmother. 

 Throughout the years, I learned how to process a flashback which comes and goes from time to time, and I try to talk about her without saying “it’s all ok, I am okay and/or it happened a long time ago” when people find out about her death because it’s not and it won’t be. I try my best to suppress how difficult it is to be a motherless daughter when I see all the posts on social media about friends with their mothers and their children and/or on Mother’s Day. I am happy for my friends who have these wonderful connections with their mothers, but I also mourn what I don’t have and will never have again.  Everyday gets better and less painful as I start to grieve less and less but I will never forget the memories I have shared with her and will share with my own son as he grows older.