When grief shows up

Grief, especially grief that lingers over long periods of time, shows up in many different ways. Many women report chronic pain, headaches, fatigue, insomnia and other psycho-somatic symptoms. For those of us missing our mothers, the grief can show up as many other things as well: anxiety, guilt, fear of our own early death, fear of illness, fear of abandonment, controlling behaviours and fear of joy. Yes, fear of joy. Joy can be very scary when you’ve lost a mother because it can represent moving on with life. The moving forward can often feel make us feel guilty but it can also make us afraid. If we move forward, will that joy be taken from us too as it was for our moms?

These fears are very common and also to be expected. Trauma has a way of insinuating itself into many different aspects of our lives. But joy is also a liberation, a rebellion against trauma A life force. Perhaps when we move forward in joy we help ourselves to work through our grief but it also helps us remember the happy parts of our mothers, their laughter, their dreams, their hopes for themselves and for us.

Experiencing joy, after so much trauma, can be scary. But if you allow yourself even just moments at first, it can feel amazing. It’s like a skill we have to practice again without the fear of guilt. If we feel guilty for being happy, that’s ok too, it’s normal. Feel the guilt and then recognize it for what it is: a natural reaction to trauma. Maybe the next time you experience joy, the feelings of guilt and fear will be less. Or maybe, eventually, they won’t be there at all, and only the joy of being in the world, and remembering our moms, will remain.