When our mothers die they often become saints

When our moms pass away, they are often sanctified, in that their downfalls, mistakes, character flaws and poor parenting choices fade away in the haze of our grief. This can be really hard for anyone who had a complicated relationship with their mother. It can also complicate our grief process because we feel guilty about being mad at them, both for what happened when they were alive and about their deaths.

Anger is one of the seven stages of grief, but when it’s your mother, it’s more difficult. It’s ok to be mad at God or the world or anyone really except her that she’s gone, or that she was not always a great parent. Or that she made big mistakes. There are a thousand reasons why our relationship with our mothers are complicated or broken. But this doesn’t make our grief any less valid. It also means that we don’t have to feel guilty about the reaction we have to their death. Grief is a complicated process, just like a daughter’s relationship with her mother. And when that mother is taken away at a young age, that ends any possibility of an adult relationship with her mother. Even if that relationship was bound to be fraught with difficulties, the possibility that it will ever be is gone in an instant.

This is a difficult reality to sit with. But it’s also helpful to know that so many of us are going through the same emotions and having the same thoughts. We don’t need to feel guilt or shame about these reactions. They’re very common and through sharing these experiences with one another and with our partners and loved ones, perhaps can bring us closer together.