Moving forward?

I've been thinking about the idea of moving forward. The sense that we have in Western culture of a linear path, that lays out in front of us like a straight arrow.  Even though time passes, one day after the next, I'm not sure I'm learning in a linear way. I feel like right now I'm going backwards. I'm unlearning things I thought I knew, I'm forgetting my peace. I guess this is how life works, two steps forward, one step back?

I think this is what grief and loss have taught me the most. Just when I think I understand how to navigate tough situations or conversations, I realize how quickly my old patterns can take over, how quickly I forget to do things (like pause and take a breath before speaking) or responding too quickly to things (like emails or texts). The old fight or flight gets activated and I'm undone again, even if it's just for a few minutes. I know I have the skills to stay centered and calm.  I know I have the communication skills to express what I'm actually feeling, but it eludes me in the moment. I have to think about it afterwards and realize that I missed the mark and I'll have to try again next time. 

I've learned to give myself some grace and remember what I've been through. I've learned to give myself some time for reflection. I thought by 47 I wouldn't be trying to fix things that were broken a long time ago but here I am, still trying to figure it out. It's a good thing I think.