When you’re expected to be the mom

Many of us have had the experience of losing our mothers, particularly when we’re younger, and being expected to assume the role of parent to our siblings, caretaker of the house, organizer-in-chief. All of these expectations are unfair and unrealistic for a grieving daughter.

I was asked to assume this functions and rejected them. I moved out and went to university. I walked away from a family that had disintegrated and I went very much alone. I think many of us have had theses experiences and it can cause feelings of anger and resentment, on both sides. It can compound enormous grief.

I think it’s important to remember that being asked to comfort your grieving parent and parent your siblings, is not okay. It is not your responsibility to do this. It is okay to enforce boundaries and be a grieving daughter. It is okay to need comfort and expect your surviving parent to provide it. Their limitations are not your fault and not yours to fix. Parenting your siblings is their job, not yours. When you have no surviving parents, it falls to the daughters to make things right, whole. But this is a too tall an order for anyone to fulfill.

We can only take care of and support ourselves through the grief and despair. Being there for our families and getting through the grief together is so important. But it often doesn’t happen. Don’t take this burden on yourself, it isn’t yours to carry.