Why do birthdays feel so hard?

Every year, my Mom made our birthdays the most special day of the year. My Dad always said my brother and I were “spoiled rotten”.  I can tell you honestly on my birthday, that was 100% true. On my 13th birthday, my Mom rented a limo and took me and all of my friends to the movies.  For my 18th birthday, the last one she was alive, my family went out for a fancy dinner and then to see Fiddler on the Roof. Every year, it was magical.  And after she died? Well…it was the very opposite of magical.  

On my 19th birthday, my friends took me out for an incredible birthday fit for someone who could now legally buy alcohol.  I don't remember where we went or what we did. I don't remember much from any of my birthdays until my 24th, I always drank way too much.  I had met this women a few months earlier, and for my birthday, she sent me flowers that said, “I'm so glad you were born”.  I must have known that she was going to be someone important because it was the first birthday I remember not being 1) depressed and/or 2) drunk. We've spent the last twenty-three years celebrating our birthdays together. Every year, I'm so grateful to spend it with her, despite feeling sad that my Mom isn't here to to celebrate with me.  

This year, I'm turning 47, two years younger than my Mom was when she died.  Each year I get closer to 49, I'm so grateful and anxious, joyful for another year and unsure how I'm going to feel when I turn 49.  For years, I was convinced that I wouldn't live past 49. After working on my health anxiety in therapy, I know that's not true. Health anxiety is very common for motherless daughters, and I think I've finally figured out a way to live with it. The thing I don’t think I’ve figured out is how to celebrate my birthday in a way that also honours the woman that brought me into the world. I’m still working on that one.