Grace’s Story

Today marks what would’ve been my mom’s 63rd birthday. She died in 2011 when I was 17 years old. I know it seems cliché to say that my mom was my entire world, but she really was. To a fault even. When she died I didn’t know how to live without her. My world as I knew it ended too. 

I remember most fondly the car rides we shared running errands on the weekend singing along to the top hits on the radio. It was so natural, nothing forced, just genuine joy and happiness. We would banter back and forth like our favorite mother daughter duo, Lorelei and Rory of Gilmore Girls. 

In 2010 she was diagnosed with late stage melanoma. I remember we were in the car, it was somber. She seemed sullen and I asked her if she was okay to drive. She snapped and said “Grace, I’m not an invalid yet.” I knew this wasn’t the real her, the joyous one who I sung songs with on car rides. She was consumed by the fear of dying, and leaving her child behind. 

I could write pages and pages of all the good memories we had. I was beyond lucky to call her my mom, even if it did end too soon. Our relationship can never be recreated or replaced. It has taken me years to learn the void can never be filled. I have tried, so hard. Nothing compares to what we had. My mind cannot fathom the rest of my life without her. I wish I could say things get easier, but they haven't. Time has dulled the pain slightly, but there are still days where I cannot get myself out of bed. Despite the sadness, I go out of my way to embody the way she wanted me to live. To show kindness to all and help improve the lives of others. It brings me peace of mind, knowing I can still bring joy to others. I know she'd be proud, and that's what keeps me going. 

Starting the orphanseekingorphan page on Instagram has been inspiring. The grief community online has given me hope. Sharing our experiences is vital to moving forward. If you are feeling sad or like no one gets it, I'm just an instagram message away. Wishing you the best on your grief journey. Hugs.