Nicole’s Story

I am very blessed to have had a Mom, had one who was very much apart of our lives, one we all fought with, laughed and cried with, enjoyed different things with. Our relationship was all over the place at times, we didn't see eye to eye on some things and that created some friction. We had very deep, thought-provoking conversations about serious issues. All of this I think is inevitable in any relationship, but especially for parents and their kids. We called our Mom bionic sometimes because out of the health concerns she had over the years, she managed to make it through surgeries, hospital visits, knee and hip replacements. She quit smoking a few years ago which was always a battle but a huge success for her as she had tried many times in the past. My Mom passing away at 60 years old was too young. We are young. It doesn't feel right or fair. The thought of not seeing her, talking to her, laughing at her jokes and comments. Sometimes she would just say something out of the blue and it just made me laugh so hard and we would both get going. She was quite the character in very unique ways. Her outgoing, social, outspoken, personable nature was felt. When someone with such a big personality leaves this world, their absence is really felt. I know that she was in pain inside, her heart was broken by the men in her life and I don't think she ever fully healed when her parents passed. I take come comfort too in the fact that they are reunited in heaven, together, making yummy food with my Gran, watching the Leafs with my Grampa and watching down on those of us who are here. I have shifted away from my Christian upbringing largely but I hold onto some things that help me cope a wee bit better with her loss. I trust her spirit is in a beautiful place crocheting, doing plastic canvas and knitting - things I wish I had sat down and had her teach me. There are many things I wish I did, I learned, I spoke about but it's too late now. It's true that you miss something or someone when they are gone, not recognizing fully and completely what you have until it or they are gone. We could have had any Mom, but we had Mommy and for that, I cannot be grateful enough. 

Mommy, I miss you. I wish I could hear you screaming at the tv watching the Leafs' game, I wish I could smell your homemade pizza and eat your potato/leek soup. You also did an incredible deviled tofu, I was very impressed! I wish we could watch horror movies all over again and all your Christmas favourites. I wish I could say sorry for making you mad. I wish I could see you playing with the kids again, snuggling with the cats again - they all miss you too. December 12th is a day I will never forget and never want to live through again. Thank you for caring about issues I cared about and wanting to help in ways you could. You wanted so badly to meet Samantha whenever I shared videos and photos of her with you. I don't know if she will be coming home with me now because she wouldn't be too fond of the cats, but I will continue to love and be there for her in ways that I can at the shelter. I'm sorry that you experienced heartache and trauma in the ways that you did - I hope the good far outweighed the bad. Thank you for raising us the best way you knew how and could, I hope you are proud of us and I hope we honoured your life in the way we imagined you would have wanted. I still cannot believe you're gone and that will still be a while to grasp and come to terms with, but I hope you are in a healthy and painless body shining your light and your yearning for living life to the fullest. I'm going to do the best I can for the cats, they are going to be ok and I think we will be too in time. 

Love, 

Nicole