Tracey’s Story

~My Grief A Year Later~ 

Like a huge, gaping wound that when exposed to the wind or the air, the pain is nearly unbearable. Like a bomb went off and I am still scrambling to find the pieces that were lost. My skin is too tight, my head is distracted, I am here but I’m not….

That's my grief. That's my pain.

I naively thought that a year later losing my mom would hurt less....

What an idiot.
Is my love any less? If anything, the pain is sometimes worse. I now know a year later the true void that her loss has created, what it feels like and what is missing.
I now know that pain will show no mercy when it decides to go another round.
There are days it seems better and many that it seems worse.
I can’t control that pain….

It's not thinking a happy thought, it's not thinking of the good times, or the happy memories and it doesn’t mean that I’m being negative or ungrateful for all the good in my life….
That pain is raw, it is real and when the air hits, a thought hits, a memory flashes through my mind….

It’s out of my control. I know that I can live with it because I've been living with it. Now I must figure out how to keep living with it knowing that those nearly unbearable moments aren't going away. Maybe the frequency at times is less but they will always exist just as loving my mom will always be a part of me.

That's my grief. That's my reality

Losing a parent, they say, is like losing your home. You feel lost and the world is unbalanced. Losing my mom has left me lost, disoriented, and at times the world seems somehow upside down. I did lose my sense of home, the peace in my heart and the connection to parts of myself…

I know it’s okay to not be okay. I know that there are no stages or a magic recipe to make it all better. No one has the magic words for grief. Man, it would be so wonderful if they did….

I know I'll always be her daughter and I know that her love will be with me forever.

A mother’s love is forever.

The child in me can't help but wish I could wake up to her voice telling me this was all a bad dream, that I'll always be her baby girl, feeling her hair with a hug, avoiding her kiss on the lips, hearing her talk, laugh or just being with her in her presence, feeling and knowing that unconditional love to my core.

I was fortunate to have been so loved……

It still hurts the same.

That's my grief. That’s my love

A year later I realize I have still inadvertently been looking for a silver lining, that purpose behind the pain. After all I am my mother’s daughter.

In real life there isn’t always a silver lining.

In real life sometimes we take victory in the little things….

I got out of bed, I did my job, I kept it together

and I kept living….

This is my grief.  This is my pain. This is my reality. This is my love.