Alana’s Story

I’ve now lived my life longer without my mother than I have with her. Even though she passed away 28 years ago this July, I can still recall every detail like it was yesterday.

My mom was a quiet person, a very gentle soul. She had a funny sense of humor and when she would let it out we would laugh till we cried. Some of my most favorite memories are these times. My parents divorced when I was 10. My mom went to work full time and I took care of the house and my little brother. I would stop playing with my friends and go home to cook dinner. I did what I could to help. I was suddenly thrust into an adult role at the age of 10. My mom was always worried about money. My mom wasn’t a very happy person and whenever she spoke of my father there was so much emotion there. Fast forward 15 years, despite my father getting remarried, we had a good relationship. I can’t say if it was typical father-daughter relationship but it was ours. I always spoke my mind to my father told him exactly how I felt about whatever situation or subject. My mother and I clashed badly until I reached my late teens. She always favored my brother in every situation. My parents hardly spoke to each other and never socialized. As I matured I’d come to realize my mother’s feelings for my father hadn’t changed.

One day my father called me up and asked if he could come get me so we could talk. He came and picked me up we talked. He told me he was leaving his second wife and they were getting divorced. My dad moved back in with his mother and he was seeing me more just so we could talk. Of course when I got home mom would grill me for all the details. I’d oblige her and tell all.

On one night when he dropped me off he mentioned that my lawn needed to be mowed. Me being the smart ass told him if he was so worried to come over and do it. I got out of his truck and went inside. The next afternoon my dad called to ask if he could come mow the lawn. I said sure come on over. I hung up the phone and told my mother. The look on her face was priceless, her jaw hit the floor. I told her not to worry, that he would be outside and she wouldn’t have to see him. So Dad came over and he started the yard work. Mom was watching him from the windows. My dad started coming weekly to do our lawn. Mom kept bringing him something to drink and they started talking again. I can still picture them sitting on our front lawn in the grass talking for hours. Soon Dad was in the house and they would watch TV together. They would go out for rides every weekend. I also noticed a change in my Mom. She smiled all the time. My suspicions all along were that she still loved my Dad. I also noticed my Dad seemed happier too. He was singing a lot. They were so happy together. One day my mom came to me and thanked me for bringing them together again. They discussed the reasons behind their divorce only to discover it was a series of misunderstandings that if emotions weren’t so high they probably could have resolved them. They lost 15 years together. She admitted to me she still loved him and never stopped. I told her I knew this because of her reactions were to strong it had to be love. They were so happy. My Dad spoiled my mom and made her feel so special. It was every divorced kid’s dream to have their parents back together. I got a glimpse of what life would have been like if I wasn’t from a broken home.

But reality came crashing in. Mom was getting odd infections and they did blood work. Her platelets were low. They referred her to a hematologist. He wanted her to go into the hospital because her numbers were so low. After weeks of tests they wanted to do a kidney biopsy. They suspected she may have lupus but the only way to be sure was to have a kidney biopsy. I unemployed at the time so I was taking the bus to the hospital daily. Then my Dad would come up after work and stay until visiting hours were over. We did this everyday for a month. He always brought her flowers or something special. During the day we talked and I learned many things. In hindsight, that time was a complete gift. I asked why she favored my brother and she honestly told me why. Once I knew her reasoning behind it, everything made sense.

So the day came for the biopsy. I arrived during the procedure and was waiting in her room. A doctor came to get me to tell me there was a problem during the procedure. The technician accidentally hit my mother’s renal artery and she started to hemorrhage. Due to her low platelet count she was put in ICU so they could monitor her and get the bleeding under control. They took me into the ICU room so I could see her. As I walked in a doctor was probing my mom looking for a place to put the central line. They explained everything to me and showed me the central line. It was laying in a tray that had blood in it to. My mom was awake. I spoke to her and then was taken away so they could get the line in. She was in ICU for about 3 to 4 days then was moved to a room. She told me on one visit the technician came in an apologized for the error. My mom seemed to be doing ok but she started to spike high fevers at night. They would not let her go home till the fevers were gone. They finally removed the central line and she was able to come home, after being in the hospital for 5 weeks! I was thrilled to have her home. She had a doctor’s appointment on that Friday to check her blood and see how the medication was working. She was doing well, she was weak and tired easily but was looking better. That Friday we went to the doctor’s so that they could take her blood. They checked her levels and said everything looked great - they would start her treatment on Monday. That night we were home watching TV. She felt cold on the couch so I got a blanket and tucked her in. She said to me, “ You’re such a good kid. I don’t know what I’d do without you”. I smiled and told her that she would never have to know.

The next morning I got up it was a bright sunny beautiful July day. I checked on my Mom and she said she wasn’t feeling to good. I check her temperature and she had a fever. I brought her breakfast in bed and suggested she call the doctor. She decided to call and the Doctor wanted her to go to the ER. Once there, the nurses tell me that my Mom has an infection and that they are going to treat with IV antibiotics so they can get a jump on it. Her fever had spiked again and all of a sudden, she starts to have a seizure. I start screaming and someone leads me from her bed as medical personnel come rushing into the curtain area. I remember being guided through the halls and see a door with the sign “Family Room”. I’m holding my mom’s eyeglasses not sure how I got them. Seeing that sign I hear my mom’s voice in my head saying. If you are ever taken to that room the person you are there with is going to die. While this was going on the doctors kept coming in giving me updates on my mom telling me that she had a seizure and they had to put her on all these different machines and that the seizure was because her fever was so high from the infection. They were coming in and I was getting conflicting reports one time it was good news the next time it was bad news. So my emotions were on a roller coaster up down up down up down depending on who is saying what to me. My father, my brother and Uncle and Aunt came to the hospital. The doctors came in and said that she was stabilized and they would let two of us in to see her then they were going to move her up into the ICU room and once she was settled they would let us into visit her two at a time. I needed to be sure my mom knew my brother was there so he and I went in downstairs. We walked in. There were so many machines. She didn’t have her glasses on so I made sure my brother was up close enough so she could see him. I was standing above her head. Because of the machines I could only reach through and touch her forehead. I rubbed my thumb on her forehead and hairline gently. That touch conveyed every ounce of love I had for my mother in it. She was awake but couldn’t speak because of the tube in her mouth. But she responded with her eyebrows and eyes. I could tell that she was terrified. She was glad to see my brother and I told her Dad was here too.

What seemed like an eternity later, they were bringing us up to the floor they had moved her to. While my Aunt was calling our family with updates, I was in the hall waiting. I saw a woman in the same hallway and she was telling her coworker that she would be a long in a bit but first she first had to tell a family that their family member had passed away after coding in the elevator. Apparently they weren’t able to revive the person. I walked by her and went to look out at a garden totally numb at this point. A few moments later, the same woman from the hall walks in. She makes her speech, I lose it screaming at them they killed my mother. I broke down into hysterical crying. They let us go see her body. I walk into the room standing alone and my father was consoling my brother who was a mess. I had nothing left to give at this point. I just looked at her body and knew she died in pain by the way her legs were. I don’t know how long we were there, time had stopped for me. We left the hospital and were walking to the car in the ER lot. I hear my name being called. I turn it was the admissions nurse. She heard what happened and wanted to see me to tell me how sorry she was and to tell me even though she only saw us together for a short time she could tell how close we were and how much we loved each other. I hugged the nurse and thanked her.

At home, my mom’s family descends on us. They are all shattered at the fact that my 51 year old mother has died suddenly. Somehow I managed to plan her funeral with the help of her friend who was a funeral director. We decided to have an autopsy done because of what happened. Because the hospital disputed the cause of death, it was four days before we could have calling hours. I pushed for this because she died so quickly and our family needed to say goodbye. I made it through the services and then life is supposed to go on right?

Well I can say now looking back I was completely in shock and was going through the motions of what we call life. I found a little part time job 2 days before Mom died, so I started the job. I was terrified to be alone in the house. I begged my father to move in so he did.

I was in a fog or shock for 18 months. I don’t have to much recollection of that span of time other than how I woke up. I realized I was making progress when the calendar started to exist again. I was no longer making time from the day my mother died. That took about a year for that to occur. Then the awakening was happening. I didn’t like where I was or what I was doing so I made changes. I changed my job which opened up new friendships and new beginnings. I was moving forward.

The firsts (Christmas, Birthday, Easter etc.) were hard but the seconds were worse for me. The numbness had gone away. I was feeling all the pain of the loss. I read the book Motherless Daughters. I had friends who lost their mother at a young age. They understood and helped me more than they will ever know. My grandmother wanted to put me on tranquilizers which I flatly refused. We did try to sue the hospital for malpractice because we believed that my mother’s death was caused by that central line they put in. It wasn’t clean and caused her heart valve to become infected and it exploded in her chest. A friend who was an attorney tried but in Connecticut, you have to have a doctor testify that another doctor or hospital made an error causing the person’s death and no doctor was willing. To this day I do not trust any doctor and probably never will. She had seen her doctor less than 24 hours before she was dead and he was telling her how good she was doing. How could they have missed the infection! I recognized the phases of grief as I was in them. I knew it was paramount that I feel what I needed to feel.

After all this time I can say this with certainty: the pain never goes away you just learn to live with it. Anything at anytime can set you off and bring you to tears. A smell, a sound, a song anything. The key is to pull yourself together and move on after you’ve had your crying jag.

Memories will make you smile after sometime. It’s ok to be happy and enjoy life. For me personally I take those special days, for example, Mother’s Day or her Birthday and I celebrate her life and who she was. I will watch her favorite movie or cook her favorite dish. I’ll read a favorite author or play one of her favorite songs, have a picnic or take a walk in a place we used to go together. Yes, my mother is not here on earth but she is with me in my heart. I am her legacy, she lived I am her mark on this world and I’ll be the best legacy I can be, for myself and for her. Also, there is no timeline that you need to follow. Grief is personal and everyone goes through it differently. But it is important to move forward. Your mother would not want you to stop living because she did. So don’t stop living or enjoying life. The best gift you can give anyone is your time.