Sonia’s Story

Dear mum,

Where do I start.. we’re are fast approaching the second Christmas without you. In ways it feels like a lifetime since I saw you last but in the same breath I can see you so clearly in my mind, smiling at my front door, driving your little car, dishing up dinner.

I still struggle to get my head around the fact that you aren’t here any more. I rarely cry. I wish I could cry. In the early days I cried all the time. And then I went into shock I think. I still cannot understand how we lost you so quickly, I remember the last time you spoke to me you said goodnight and asked me to turn the light off in the hospital ward. Which I got in trouble for - ha. I was going to wash your hair the next day. I can’t process that I watched you die, my mum my beautiful 55 year old mum. We were all there mum. We held your hands, I laid my head on your tummy. I held your feet! Something you would have laughed at, we all would. You know your feet weren’t your best feature ha. I was trying to drink in every bit of you so I wouldn’t forget you. It was the most surreal thing I’ve ever experienced. My heart broke into a million pieces.

I thought about guardian angels as you slipped away. I didn’t see yours. I imagined it there though, behind you and guiding you into the next place. I know you thought you met yours once. I’ll always remember that story. A beautiful man on a train. So strange how things pop into your mind. I guess it gave me some comfort. When you had left us we stepped out of the room, we got some fresh air. I could not believe that the birds were singing, people were on their way to work, joggers out running. It was probably the lack of sleep but I almost felt as though your spirit was all around us that morning, whipping up the leaves on the trees.

I miss everything about you. I miss my mum. I miss the person I was before I lost you. I need you mum. I wish I could talk to you, cuddle you, just text you. I read our WhatsApp’s all the time. It’s hard to explain how earth shattering losing you has been, I feel like I’m living in the matrix sometimes.

My baby has got my through, I know you’ll be grateful I had him. I wish you could see him now mum, he’s full of fun and energy and he’s such a little character. I’m scared to have another without you mum. You’ve always been my rock, my constant, my guide. You have always kept me grounded and been my biggest fan. I put one foot in front of the other every day because you taught me how to be strong.

Please leave me a little sign if you can mum, when you’re ready. Know that I’ll always love you, you’ll always be my mum and I want you to know you were the best.

Love you always your loving eldest daughter,

Sonia