Judy’s Story

I had never imagined my mother would develop a degenerative disease like Parkinson’s. But in the many years of her slow decline, I learned a lot about myself. I learned how impatient I was, and I was forced to practice strengthening my “patience” muscle. I learned how to speak slowly. I learned how to offer small bits of information. I got used to repeating myself. I learned how to create a semblance of normalcy in a totally unexpected, unreal situation.

Although for much of my life I mourned that my mother was not all I needed, I knew that she had been there for me. I knew that my ability to mother my own children was connected to the mothering I received, for better or for worse. If I gave my children enough maternal cement, maybe I had received something permanent and stabilizing and life-affirming from her.

“Mom, I know we’re at the end,” I said. “You have done your job, and done it well. You have given me enough”.

Judith Ruskay Rabinor, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, author, consultant, mother, and psychotherapist with offices in New York City and Lido Beach, Long Island. She has four decades of experience working with mothers and daughters. In addition to clinical work with patients, she coaches writers and offers consultation groups for therapists and other mental health practitioners.