Chelsea’s Story

Whenever somebody around me loses a loved one I always wish that I could tell them "the pain will go away, it won't last forever." but I can't, I can tell them that it gets a little less raw, a little less heavy and some days it's like a whisper carried in the wind alongside you, there but not always registering, but some days it's like a punch to the stomach, sometimes out of nowhere it can feel so unbearably unfair that you just want to scream.

I have been waiting 14 years now for the pain to go away and I think I have resided in myself that it simply never will. I was 15 years old when I lost my mum, I am now 29 soon to turn 30. So this is a story, my story of growing up without my mum and trying to navigate life so far without her by my side.

I had mostly one of the happiest childhoods you could ever wish for a child. My Mum and Dad were both very hands-on parents who enjoyed spending time with their daughter. I always always felt loved and I honestly think that’s really all a child ever needs. I have a swarm of happy childhood memories, some big like trips to Disneyland and birthday parties to the small and the simple like baking mince pies in the kitchen and Mum letting me cut out stars out of pastry for the top or being read to.

Unfortunately though through all the happy times there were waves of sad in my childhood memories to, my Mum, Ali, was a type one diabetic. She was diagnosed at the age of 16 and would later confess with the lack of education back then on diabetes she really didn't look after it well in her early years. This sadly had a huge effect on my Mum’s body for the rest of her life. Mum was often poorly and quite regularly my dad and I would have to visit her in hospital throughout my childhood. I can still remember the feeling of the hospital lift doors closing every time I was having to leave her there to go home.

I knew from a young age that my mum was different from my friends’ mums, they never mentioned their mums ever being in hospital or having days where their mums couldn't get out of bed. I have a distinct memory of being home from school and my mum having a hypo, slowly losing consciousness and having to ring my dad at work to ask him what to do. Our fridge at home contained little syringes and insulin bottles and people would stare in restaurants when she would need to inject before eating. Thank goodness diabetes education and awareness has moved on.

When I was about 13 my mum's health really declined, she was diagnosed with a condition called Gastroparesis, where the nerves in her stomach died and caused her to be sick every single day for 2 and a half years. She also lost most of her sight and was pretty much completely blind. Her mental health was obviously very fragile at this point as well. I think my grief for my mum started then really, she wasn't the fun loving, creative outgoing person she was anymore. My dad and I cared for her with help from my grandparents and also my best friend who I will never forget the care and love she showed me and my mum during this time. I would climb into her bed in the evening and I would read to her, just like she did to me as a child, her loss of sight was very painful for my mum so reading to her was important to me.

During those peaceful moments she would tell me things like what funeral song she wanted and how she wanted me to learn to drive and how beautiful she knew I would look on my wedding day. I used to tell her to stop saying those things because deep down I knew she was right, that she wasn't going to be around to see those things.

17th of April 2008 , a date that feels like yesterday and a million lifetimes ago. My mum passed away in hospital. Her body simply gave up its fight, too tired to continue on and my world simply changed forever. It felt like being numb and in the worst pain I'd ever experienced at the same time. I was also a mother myself by this point (a very young one but that's a different story!) and I truly believe my son was sent to me to save me and that's exactly what he did.

I got up the morning of the 18th April and I forced myself to make my one year old his breakfast and be the mum he was used to and that's how I continued using the love I have for my son to get me through the days. Being a mother without a mother whether you are young or not is so incredibly challenging.

There is so much I take from her, in the way I mother but there was so much she didn't have time to show me too. There have been many moments in my life where the grief and pain of missing her amplifies, my wedding day and everything building up to my wedding day, days where I want her to see just how incredible her Grandson is turning out, when I am poorly, upset or even having good news to share.

I am fortunate to be surrounded by many loved ones and friends but no one can ever be her, I can only just hope that she is able to see me from wherever she is and that she is proud. I would like to finish this story with 3 things my mother told me that I have strived to remember to help me navigate through life.

1. To find happiness in the simple things in life, that's where true happiness lies.

2. To have good friends you have to be a good friend.

3. Don't let the way others treat you affect who you are as a person. Kindness is not a weakness