Louise’s Story

My grieving and motherhood journey started within a week of one another, on Boxing Day 2018 I became a mum for the first time and regardless of what was happening around me, I thankfully allowed myself to whole heartedly get eaten up by the newborn bubble and amazement of this tiny little baby who was mine… my little girl  was also my first successful pregnancy after multiple miscarriages, as much as this is not relevant to this page - it is to my story because I believe it has reasons to why I coped the way I did/do, I feel like there was no way I wasn’t going to allow my self to fall in love with my baby and get wrapped up in it all, as for a while  I didn’t think it was something I’d get a chance to do, and my mum was on that journey with me and passionately rooted for me and my husband for that moment. 

I wanted my mum as a birthing partner along with my husband but she really did deteriorate a few weeks before my due date, to the point of having palliative care, not eating a thing,  a bed put in our living room, and nurses comes in 3 times a day - there was of course no way she could be there. So that idyllic picture was quickly swiped from my brain and whether it was the daughter in me, or the mum in me - I didn’t dwell on that fact I just knew that nobody else was taking her place. 

Perhaps in a way, because of mums cancer progressing at a quick rate in the last few months of her life, I may have unknowingly started grieving earlier than when she actually passed,  when there was no denying the direction of which the illness was going, I one step at a time started to grieve losing the mum I was used to. It sounds selfish but we were best friends … as a child I was the youngest and only girl in a big family of men and I just tagged along to what ever my mum was doing … as I grew up we shared spa days, shopping trips, wine filled afternoon tea, holidays,  dinners, evenings out/in as groups, couples or just the 2 of us, and in the end we even attended each other’s hospital appointment as we both had so many between us. I don’t like to paint the perfect picture without full disclosure … like most best friends, we disagreed and some of my mums opinions got on my nerves and I’m sure some of my decisions were not what my mum wanted at times but all in all I have not 1 regret about our relationship. I’m incredibly lucky to have had that. So I went from all of the above, to the cancer gradually eating away and taking those luxury’s away from us one by one, so I had to accept that seeing my mum would mean visiting at my parents house and almost becoming a nurse (which I new she hated because I was pregnant and she so badly wanted to be the one helping me) 

I had a smooth pregnancy and apart from a few normal aches and pains at the end, I’m glad to say nothing stopped me from being there for her, firstly it was the brittleness of her bones that meant she broke her arm mopping one day - which was where she started to loose her independence a little, and then the tumour in her back and hip meant she would have to use a stick or wheelchair if she wanted to go out - which meant no more driving which was so strange for us all, and then it got worse - no longer being able to eat solid food - so I’d be going to feed her smoothies and soups through a straw which again didn’t bother me at all but as a 58 year old mum, it was frustrating and upsetting for my mum to have to give in to this. Shortly after not being able to eat solid food, it meant Having to take it in turns with my dad to plead with my mum to eat any of it, it was awful - We begged her but she just said it made her feel sick but we just didn’t want to accept what was going to happen. In the final couple of weeks she lost ability to speak or even stay awake for more than 10 minutes at a time. I often lay and fight the vision of my mum laid out in the back of the living room where we grew up with no hair, weighing almost nothing, unable to move, in and out of sleep,  with no energy to barely speak. I was in my final weeks of pregnancy when this happened and as my mum was my number 1, my 3 times a day call … seeing her like this was soul distorting BUT I had to keep going, I was having a baby!!! 

My due date was 3rd of January, on Christmas Eve I was at my parents and my waters broke, we didn’t know what we were having but I did ask the sonographer to write it down in an envelope so I could have it just incase I ever felt the need to tell my mum just a week earlier … so shortly after I realised my waters had broke - I got into a pair of my mums pjs and went to get the envelope. I went into the living room and took a glimpse of the gender “girl” I was shocked, as I was pretty convinced I was having a boy but so happy, I  sat with my mum and through a lot of tears I held her hand tight and tried so badly to get her to respond “mum, mum, mum it’s me you have to hear this, listen can you hear me? Squeeze my hand if you can hear me?!” And she did and she made a little noise and so I told her “mum I’m having a girl, only me and you know, are you pleased? Mum please say something please” I begged her. I now think of how much strength it actually took for her to respond but she did, the first words I’d heard her say for a couple of days … very very slowly “yes love, amazing, let me go now” it sounds so unrealistic and like a soap episode and I’m sure some people might not believe me but she really did and they were the last words I ever spoke with my mum. After a while I went home to see what happened next for me, after a trip to the hospital in the morning I was allowed to go and see my mum and have a bit of a Christmas Day before going in for a little help bringing labour on. 

My labour is a whole different story but on Boxing Day at 19:42 my daughter was born, when naming her we decided to give my mums name as a middle name, both me and baby had infections so had to stay in for a week. We had lots of visitors and we’re adapting to being new parents as me and my little girl were on the mend. During the weeks stay at the hospital my husband got a call from my dad saying that it was recommended by doctors to say our goodbyes. I can’t begin explain how I felt in that moment, heart pounding, shaking, sick, and in denial, Amongst so many other things. We had to convince the hospital to let me take my baby but we went, a very bizarre first trip to see her nanny and grandads house. I begged my mum talk talk to me, I laid my 4 day old baby on her arm and sobbed and shouted through the tears “please mum you have to say something please mum this is my baby she’s here” but there was absolutely no connection. A lot of people say “at least she got to meet her” but actually this memory is one that haunts me, I can be laying down to go to bed after a nice day and this vision hits me! 

I went back to the hospital after that and 2 days later on New Year’s Eve we were able to go home! Mum was still with us but we were discharged quite late so went straight to our own house and New Year’s Day went to visit … of course nothing had changed as much as I had hoped something drastic had some how happened in those few days but 

 I tried to have a “normal” visit and talk away to my mum and be pleased if I passed a neighbour to show my new born off too … I left the house hopeful I’d be going back the following day for another “normal, not normal” visit. But when we woke the following morning, I was holding my little week old baby on my lap when my dad phoned my husband with the news … I knew of course what had happened but still just with that ridiculously false shimmer of hope I said “everything ok” but my husband’s face said it all. Despite the fact I knew my mums cancer was terminal and I knew that this day would come - there is nothing on earth that can prepare you for this devastation. I was at my highest and lowest, my happiest and saddest, fullest and emptiest time of my whole life. Why my mum? why now? Why? 

Receiving pink envelope containing congratulations cards and white envelopes with sympathy cards through the post at the same time, having congratulation and apologetic sympathy texts sent to my phone within minutes of each other. There would never ever be a good time to loose my mum, but this felt so cruel. Only since opening this page 3 years since loosing my mum have I allowed myself to open a few of those cards  

I tell my daughter that the reason for the timing that her nanny was taking is because she is so special that she needed someone just as special to be her guardian angel and I think this is something I now allow myself to believe. 

I was so nervous when pregnant with my 2nd child because it seemed that when ever anything good happened - there was a consequence and with my mum not here I was wondering how I was going to be punished. Luckily July 2020 my son was born, with the dreamiest labour and no complications for him, me or anyone close to me! 

My lovely mum was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2014 and though it seemed manageable and mum was handling it in here stride, it slowly spread and progressed into many many  tumours and a terminal diagnoses. January 2019 my mum lost her battle to cancer. My mum was a fighter, she was a caring friend to many, a loving wife, a doting grandparent to my nieces and nephews, a generous person who I believe was one of a kind and above all I am just so proud to be able to call her my mum. I love you mum and will never forgive this world for taking you from me when they did! There will always be a mum shaped whole in my heart.